Feeling It

If you don't feel the pain; examine it, acknowledge it, even look at it, it will not retreat.
For a myriad of reasons I have been in a real slump for weeks. I've experienced a recent disappointment, the death of a dream. Sometimes when this happens it awakens old hurts. And along comes the end of the school year with its award ceremonies and reminders that my husband and their father is dead. Relay for Life is next week-end, and Team Lucius is hard at work. . . I still stop and think: How did this happen? Surely, he is just gone for a time. I never thought I would be here at mid-life without the love of my life. It is hard to cook meals without thinking of Lucius, and sometimes I avoid the family atmosphere because it is excrutiatingly painful.
I still think of him mid-mornings around the time he would usually call just to say, "What are you up to?" After 25 years he still called me every day from work, usually a couple of times. I miss the sound of his key in the door. The girls miss the man whose approval they sought.

We miss him still. Always.