On a crisp November day in 2006 I lost my fear of flying. I was in a Lear Jet with my very sick husband, and we were heading to Raleigh-Durham, destination Duke University Medical School and the Preston Robert Tisch Brain Tumor Center. I had never before flown unmedicated. With a background in counseling I recognized the fear was not of actually "flying," but rather being out of control, not something I did well. I made a choice to abstain from the Xanax to be as alert as possible for Lucius and what lay ahead. My heart was pounding as we climbed into an aircraft much smaller than the commercial airliners I was accustomed to. The same heart that was also broken.
As we taxied down the runway I put The Newsboys, "In Wonder" on the iPod. My girls wanted me to listen to one of their favorite groups. Up until this time I was quite the musical snob where sacred music was concerned. I thought if it was more recent than say 1720, no way.
The plane lifted off the pavement and I watched the ground drop away. There was only awe.
And Wonder.
Last night I slept fitfully. My heart is always heavy during Lent, but even more than a Lenten solemnity was present last night. Sometimes when this happens I find guided imagery and meditation helpful. I was having a St. John Dark Night of the Soul. It has been going on for weeks. . . .Suddenly an image of Christ on the Cross came to mind. I was standing behind and slightly at a right angle. The tones were all sepia. I could hear wind and smell the dusty ground.
Sleep came, but hours later I awoke again and asked for peace and guidance. I saw feet as though they were my own, walking dusty, rocky soil. These weren't my feet, but I was seeing them from a perspective as if they were connected to me. I could hear many footsteps hitting the ground with heavy thuds.
There is no place I can travel to alone.
No place is so deep that God is not deeper still.
Romans 8:38-39
Peace,
Lisa
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Mitch, who used to jump out of airplanes for a living, is terrified of flying!!! Although we know that God is always in control, sometimes it is difficult to surrender our delusion of having it. But the moment that you finally do is exhilarating. I'm glad you woke up rested and peaceful this morning.
ReplyDeleteLove this one, and thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteSometimes God uses the hardest trials in our life to help us to grow and come closer to him and depend just on Him. The trials are never fun, but if they bring us closer to Him they are worth it. We are supposed to count all our trials as joy and this is very hard to do when we are going through them. One of the most hurtful periods in my life taught me the most and has taught me to lean on God for everything. God has brought friends to help me during the hard times and I hope I can use my trial to help someone else that may be struggling in a similar area that I cross one day. Lisa, you really seem like you love God. I really enjoy your posts. They are very motivating and real.
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